I am taking a class on a website called Coursera. It's free and the classes are put together by professors from some pretty impressive universities. The class I'm taking right now is Introduction to Psychology. A recent lecture talked about the "locus of control". It's basically a term that talks about how much you feel you can control the world around you. If you have an external locus of control, you feel a lot like the world is controlling you and you don't have much ability to shape the world around you. If you have an internal locus of control you feel that you have a lot of influence over your life and the world around you. Many people with an internal view are very positive, tend to be leaders; whereas people who have a strong external view tend to be depressed.
I wrote a post on the class forum about locus of control and my feelings about it in relation to my life. It's much more personal than technical so I thought I'd share it here as well.
Locus of control is a weird balance for me. I am disabled. I have a genetic, progressive muscle condition, and over my life I will get weaker and more fatigued. I was diagnosed at 14, and told I would die in my early twenties (I'm now 37). There is very little in the way of treatment and at my stage of the disease what became available did not help. I stopped walking in 1999. Now I have very little use of my body, except my hands and my brain.
Relating that to locus of control. I have zero control over my condition,there is no cure, it will always get worse. I often have little control over what kind of medical technologies I can access. For the most part, I have to accept what the government will fund or what a "charity" will reasonably decide to fund. There is incredibly technology out there, and most of it, especially the newer stuff, I will never have access to. Money talks and anything medical needs a loud voice. Another thing I have no control over is how tired I am. It is variable from day to day, some better than others, but I know that I need to be in bed about 13 to 14 hours of the day and sleep somewhere between 10 and 12 of those hours. I had to give up the dream I had since a child of going to university and getting a PhD. I don't have the energy for a job. I am on social assistance, which means I'm poor. Leaving the house for several hours is guaranteed to tire me out enough that I need to plan an uneventful day the day after. I can push it, but I will pay. I don't know if anyone has seen the website about chronic conditions that has the "spoon theory", but it's worth a look. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ I need full time caregivers, I can't wash or dress myself. I need help to eat. I can type, crochet... so use my hands in a very prescribed way. All of these things, and more, I have zero control over. My own body has betrayed me and trapped me. This is all external and some days I feel like all these things are done TO me. I often feel like I have very little to do with what happens to me.
Now, what can I control? First, I can control my attitude. I live daily with massive amount of frustration, anger towards myself, anger towards the system... I realized, though that I could live my life as a miserable bitch or I could try to do the best with what I have, and the fact that what I have will always change (physically, always for the worse). People don't want to be around a miserable person, I don't want to feel miserable all the time, even though I suffer from depression and anxiety. I chose that I would continue to use my brain as much as possible. I read voraciously, non-fiction and fiction. I can't go to university, so I will try to be self-educated. I wanted to produce something useful, to do something so people would remember me, so I re-learned to crochet. I can use my hands enough for that, so I always have a project on the go and give most of what I make as gifts (though I have had a few commissions). It's very satisfying to produce a useful product. This is my internal locus. These are the things I CAN make choices about.
I have also been lucky. I have parents that decided that putting me in a home would be the death of me mentally and physically. They were right, I have stayed in one for six months. It was hell. I've been lucky over the last 6 years. I thought I would be dead by now, but instead I have met the love of my life, made friends outside of online chat rooms and socialize with people that care about me. In the last 3 years, I was able to move away from my parents and be with my partner. I think this upturn is in part my will to keep trying and luck in finding the right people. I think all these external things, things I often feel kind of fell into my lap, are things I couldn't control.
So, locus of control. I know they affect each other, and sometimes they intertwine. (Luck at meeting someone who is willing to be with someone with a severe disability, but my intelligence and personality helped us have a loving relationship). There are a huge number of things I have no control over and will never have control over. This has been imposed and is not fixable. However, I also have chosen to make the most of the things I CAN control. I will continue to try to make the best of what I have. I will continue to try. It is extremely hard everyday. If you watched the videos with Phillip Zimbardo about evil and heroes and how people can be either, but they are usually ordinary people; that's how I feel about myself. I am an ordinary person and I'm not looking for sympathy here. I just wanted to share my thoughts on how locus of control, for me, often feels like a strange thing that I have to struggle with quite a bit.
